Beer and Totty: Guide to Beer!
What it is, and how it works...

Beer! This guide aims to take the mystery out of Beer.

By the end of it - hopefully you know all the different types and what it does to you!

Beer in the UK varies tremendously in price, but is always "bloody expensive in here" and can always be bought "just down the road at the [insert name of pub which called the receivers in last week]" for 10p per pint less. At least this is what the bloke stood next to you in the pub will tell you - the barperson will no doubt disagree.

Types of beer

Essentially the standard issue Urine-coloured fizzy water. Lager producers need to recoup their marketing costs, so the fancier the brand's label, the dearer the stuff will be. There is no direct relationship between quality and price - all lager tastes more or less the same - but some brands are stronger than others.
Apparently Lager originated in Germany, and rumour has it that there are several heavily polluted rivers in industrial eastern Germany which look and taste just like this.

A few names: Carling, Carlsberg, Stella, Heineken, Budweiser, Fosters.

Brown stuff with white froth on top (if you're lucky). Taste varies from month-old-rugby-player's-sock through rancid-brazil-nut to rotting-gorgonzola. In honour of the trainspotter-like beer drinkers who call themselves Real Ale Enthusiasts, there are many obscure brews produced by tiny 'microbreweries', with names like 'Old Volestrangler's Hairy Scrotum Crusher'.

A few names: Tetlys, Bass, John Smiths, Fuller's - London Pride..

Bitter's bastard half-brother, this unnecessary ale tastes of nothing in particular and is generally weaker than hamster piss. Drink cold sweet weak black tea instead. You know your life is effectively at an end when you start drinking Mild shandy.

Black and bitter - LA gangsta rap in a glass. Ask anyone about 'Stout' and they will tell you it is an old man's drink... but hold on, Guinness is a stout...

A few names: Guinness, Murphys.

Apple juice with a kick, this is the original 'alcopop'. Not strictly 'beer', cider varies from mass-produced stuff tasting like sweet lager, to scrumpy produced one barrel at a time in sixteenth-century Somerset farms with bits of apple floating on the top.

A name: Strongbow

Death by beer. And thankfully not served in any pubs featured on Beer and Totty! Taste varies from chewing raw crab apples to diethelyne glycol. This stuff is guaranteed to send you mad, or make you blind, or both. For a similar experience, try gargling Curry and head-butting a brick wall until you pass out.

The after-effects

The consumption of beer in any quantities will lead to any one of a number of nasty after effects. Here are a few examples in order of severity:

Minor embarrassment
You will do things when drunk which will cause embarrassment the morning after, eg:

> Snogging the ugliest bird/bloke in the pub
> Peeing in public
> Confessing to everyone that you have genital warts

Major embarrassment
> Throwing up over your date
> Running the length of the High Street and back naked

Your head feels as if it's been hit with a sledgehammer, your mouth tastes like a Russian wrestler's jock-strap and the world goes all wobbly when you stand up. Liver and onions anyone? Ooops, sorry!

When it goes wrong...

Practical jokes often result to drunken parties, when someone becomes unaware of what is going on around them people might:

> Shave off your eyebrows
> Strip you naked and tie you to a lamppost outside Woolworths
> Confiscate your wallet and put you on the last train to Barrow-in-Furness

Even worse is physical harm, where unable to properly control your limbs or mouth, you may:

> Trip over the floor (who put that there?) resulting in loss of teeth
> Try and cycle home, ending up wrapped around a tree
> Get beaten up

Taken to its extreme excessive drinking can result in Death. Never a pleasant option, this. Death may be the result of:

> A nasty accident while attempting to cross the road outside the pub
> Mistaking that bottle of bleach for vodka
> Liver failure

Next step - Guide to Totty. Or, Guide to Hangovers

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