Beer and Totty: Guide to Totty!
Selection, injection, rejection!

Totty! Totty is a complicated business.

Infact, such a complicated business I donít think this simple web page will do it justice. Essentially totty comes in various forms - but the main aim is to ensure its as good looking as possible.

Choosing totty

The first step, then, is to select your totty. You basically have a choice between sex with:

> Someone of a different gender
> Someone your own gender
> An animal
Remember that the last of these options is, strictly speaking, illegal. If you insist on it all the same, do try to pick an animal that it is easy to have sex with, for heaven's sake. If you choose the wrong animal, for instance an elephant, a skunk, an alligator or your kid brother's pet white rat, you will find sex at best impractical and unpleasant, and at worst fatal.

From now on, we will assume that your intended totty is human.

It also helps if you know which gender you are. If you are not sure, try this quick test. Have a look in your underpants. Is there a dangly thing down there?

> Yes: you are male
> No: you are female

That was easy wasn't it!


The second step is luring your totty to bed, sometimes called seduction. A lot of romantic tosh has been written about seduction techniques, but your main options are:

> Using Alcohol - induce your intended totty to drink lots of beer! You may need to wait until they are unconscious. If you a girl, getting very drunk and removing all your clothes will probably gaurantee sucess.

> Personality - tends to come in handy, if your lacking - borrow someone elseís.

> Sexual Prowess - spread any rumours you can think of about yourself and wait for it to reach your intended target.

> Money - buying a drink or two never hurt, donít offer money however, unless you intended target is someone who offers sexual favours for payment (aka a prostitute).

Alternatively - choose one of our pubs which as a high rating, then follow our Pulling guides and give our Chatup Aid Card a try.

Sexual Instructions

Err, Ummm... This is where it all gets a bit technical.

For male+female and male+male combinations, the basic steps are:
> In
> Out
> Repeat as necessary
Feel free to embellish this as you see fit.

For female+female combinations, the basic steps are:
> Lots of squelching noises
> Repeat as necessary
Again, embellish as you wish.


As per bloody usual, you cannot enjoy a Good Thing without a risk of something nasty happening to you. In the case of Sex, you are in danger of such unpleasant side effects as herpes, unhealthy obsession (for an example, watch "Fatal Attraction") and pregnancy. For the first wear protection or check out your partner's health record, for the third employ contraception, and for the second (and indeed the other two) I'm afraid total abstention is the only reliable precaution.

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